The length you go when you need a fake id.

So this probably isn't the smartest thing to post online, but who's going to tell on me? My one follower? So basically I'm rather pumped because I fell into the ownership of a new fake id. Previously I had an id that was actually someone else and it looked hilariously nothing like me but after using it downtown a couple weeks ago as I mentioned in previous notes, i lost it :( So Vicky say's "fuck you world, you will not get the best of me!" without putting too much shady business on the interwebs I will simply say that I have a legal, completely legit id that through filling out false information says I'm 19 ... SHADY! Yet exciting as well :)

C'MON PPL STEP IT UP!

I plan on spending my next week as a hermit while I study for exams and do some soul searching. I will still take the time however, to write the occasional blog. Exam weeks are the worst weeks especially when you have something on your mind. My words of advice to everybody is to make sure you take the time to self reflect and get to know yourself better and what makes you happy. This may sound cliche, but there will be a time in your life at some point where you may very well be the best friend that you have, and you have to keep your best friends happy.

Today I had my English in-class essay which I think went pretty dandy. Tomorrow is a day off followed by a Chem exam and a Math exam on Wednesday. Thursday I have physics. Tomorrow my Physics capa is due, my math assignment is due Thursday, my chem assignment is due Friday, and thank God I have already completed my Chem and Physics prelabs. Brutal week I know, but school doesn't worry me enough to stress me out. The only thing that has been stressing me out lately is people not being awesome. C'MON PEOPLE YOU GOT TO STEP IT UP A BIT.

Ahem. It's all good despite my last emo blog. I have decided that shit will not get Vicky down. Vicky is better than negative bullshit. I will not let people get the best of me. I am too good for any person who tries to hurt me. When you come equip with a whole lot of awesome backing you up, people are meaningless. I hate that I can't be more specific but that just isn't right sometimes, not to tell the whole world about it. But the point is, if you are awesome, and genuine, people can't touch you. Things will work out, and anyone who steps on your toes will get what they have coming to them. Again, I don't believe in karma, but it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that negative people draw in negativity. I am better than that. Everyone needs to be better than that.

Lets just be nice.

blah blah emo blog

this blog was removed because it wasn't awesome

Crazy fucking random night.

Yesterday I wrote a biology exam, which by the way I totally demolished (in a good way). After having studied about 49 hours in the last 48, I was ready to take on a heavy night of well deserved drinking.

I called up a good friend of mine who had been out of town with the swine flu for a week and also needed some heavy drinking in her life, lets call her Ms. Piggy for the purpose of this blog.

After picking her up, we we went to the liquor store and headed back to my apartment where we got ready for the night. We were drinking cheap wine, and talking about boys and life and how drunk we were going to get when we found out there was no pond parties that night. The Gilbert boys were gone to mount pearl, other people were gone to a strangers house party, the rest of my friends had no plans. I was pissed and continued drinking wine while smoking in excess.

One thing I am not is a failure and as such i refused to let that night fail and suck. I become prepared to do basically anything. Ms.Piggy's friends from carbonear were partying in a hotel room and thinking about going bar hopping later. What does Vicky say? "HECK YES!"

Strangers can only stay strangers for so long, after an hour or so of hotel room partying, we were all buddies and ready to hit George Street.

The taxi driver who picked us up seemed contrary as shit, but I wouldnt let his coontrary ways affect my night. I get way too much joy out of playing with people and their emotions so I told him he looked contrary as shit and should smile more. He smiled a lot more, and in fact, he must have taken a liking to me because he gave me 4 free admissions to the cotton club, a local strip bar. I knew my destination at this point.

Stop one, cotton club. I should mention also, I told Ms.Piggy I was going to get into bars and my fake id would work, I told her I would see titties, i would see a band, i would dance a lot, and I would get very drunk and it would be an awesome night. At the cotton club I managed to have three of these things come true.

I always thought strip joints just showed titties. No ma'am. I sat down at the table that surrounded the stage and was immediately presented with a gorgeous woman's pussy in my face. A large portion of the strippers were attractive black girls, and oh baby, I caught jungle fever. They say we don't currently have a very good economy, but I personally think that last night I was getting very high quality for 5 bucks a pop.

Take a step back for a second, my id actually worked. If you seen my id, it's hilarious. It looked nothing fucking like me, I took off my glasses, smiled and it some how fucking worked. Okay so far my fake id worked, I was seeing so much ass and titties, a guy I met at the hotel party bought me a drink, I got in for free. Now I meet a nice old man who teaches me the ropes.

Five dollar bill, flash it over the bar a little and she will notice. You will get your face covered in titties, you will get a very close up view of a vagina and the most seductive smile imaginable. In my case, you get hauled of fucking stage. There I was on stage, lid down on my back, a beautiful woman straddling me. She takes off my shirt in front of a shit tonne of strangers, jiggles my boobs around while still in a bra and then what? Off with the fucking bra! We exchange some smiles I crawl off stage, boobs still out and fix myself, shortly after my brother's friend walks in, thank god the timing turned out the way it did.

Now I have men the age of my father telling me how great my tits are, the people I went with think I'm a crazy freak of nature and the old man next to me is giving me high fives and buying me drinks.

I'm drunk, I seen titties, I've showed my titties, the night is going amazing. I'm spending more money of strippers, I'm making Jake get on stage ( my boyfriend got his hairy bare ass smacked on stage and also got kisses from the hot bartender because he looks like john lennon) The night is flawless.

It's 2 o'clock and in 1 hour no more drinks are being served. Next stop, dance bar. Here I am at konfusion, grinding, dancing, hands everywhere. Small spaces and lots of bodies. I'm dancing with god knows who, touching their god knows what and I fucking love it. I lost my wallet with my fake id, and real id. But it's okay we'll worry about that later because my id worked a second time at this bar and the night is young and awesome. I dance up a storm, I dance with everyone. I love life.

Next stop CBTG's. The black mask brigade is playing and I catch the last song and a halfwhile dancing with Jake and a stranger.

Next i score some subway and when I was ready to go home it only took a matter of seconds to get a cab. This night was crazy, this night was fucking ridiculous, I loved this night.

Free admissions to the strip joint, never bought a single drink, made a bunch of creepy old man friends, saw a shit tonne of titties, stripped on stage, danced up a storm, saw a deadly band, got subway, my id fucking worked some how. This is the crazy mother fucking story I've been waiting to write.

Lesson one in being awesome.

Lesson one in being awesome: Love yourself like no other.

Love yourself without being a narcissist. This doesn't come naturally. A lot of people tend to have a low perception of themselves as soon as they are old enough to realize they have flaws. This is truly unfortunate, however, with work it can be reversed.

You have to pretend you love yourself before you can actually truly love yourself. Talk to yourself in your mind in a positive way. When you get ready to go out, think to yourself that you look good, even if you don't mean it. Tell yourself that you are attractive. Tell yourself you have good qualities to share with people. Tell yourself that you love yourself. This is the first part in having good self perception.

When subjects of self esteem come up, tell people that you have a good one. Even if you kind of don't. Tell people what you've been telling yourself and with work and practice, your mindset will change. You will love yourself, you will have a good self esteem, and without those things you have very little. If you don't love yourself, it's hard to respect yourself, if you don't respect yourself, it's hard for other people to.

This may sound like you're just lying to yourself, you're pretending to be happy. That's not the case though, it just takes a lot of work to knock the negative ways out of you. When you get into your comfort zone, you will honestly mean, how you feel about yourself.

Imagine having the same friend since you were born, one person shoved in your face everyday, you would learn to hate that person because you start to focus on their flaws and it begins to be easier to see bad than good. You are that person to yourself. But in a similar way if you look at that person from day one and think of all the good things they're done for you, all the times they've helped you and all the things that you like about that person, they will become someone you admire and appreciate. Make your mind focus on the good aspects of you.

Finally, put yourself out there as a self loving, positive, happy individual and your awesome will shine through.

Lets destroy suck

Slowly you begin to learn that people are not nearly as awesome as you would like them to be. People don't always like you if they don't have to. Sometimes personalities clash. Sometimes people piss you off. People can be rude. People can be hateful. People can be self righteous. People can really suck.

Lets change this.

Be awesome. Teach awesome. Spread awesome. Eventually, awesome will ensue.

Tuesday night adventure

Last night I passed up an opportunity to go to Cabot and see Dino girl. It's all good though, I was really in no situation to pull off any shit. I ended up having a reasonably quiet drunken Tuesday. I should be studying as we speak, but fuck that, I'll just talk about my relatively unadventurous night in the detail I can remember.

I remember playing smash brothers for a short period of time. I remember being relatively civil to OrangeCrocks. I remember taking four guys back to my room and drawing great variations of cocks on my room mates dry erase board. (i.e rocket ship cock, banana cock, as well as a drawing of what we imagine her tits to look like). I remember Hanging out in my new Scottish friend's room ( we'll call him Scott ) with my friend (we'll call him Anus, due to past situations that have made this name fitting). I'm pretty sure that guy wanted to kill me because he was so tired and I talked so much. I remember being the last ones left to party. Nothing overly special, but a good night.

I woke up and realized the living room window had been egged. I hope this fulfills one of my goals to get a formal apology letter from Zak. From this point on I'll call Zak Ginge because I'm not a big fan of using real named. I'll go back over my posts eventually and change his name to Ginge everywhere.

Now looking back on it, I should of taken advantage of the situation and went to Cabot in search of Dino, but on the other hand they had a fire alarm go off at like 3 in the morning, and there's no fun in that.

Also I found the courage to tell Anus that his jean jacket was hideous and it needed to be removed from his wardrobe desperately. That was actually probably a highlight.

I look forward to Friday night. Sadly, I can't go too off the wall because I have 4 midterms next week. I have one Friday that I should be studying for now. However, with procrastination comes immediate happiness, and stress later. We'll worry about the stressful part when we get there.

Everyone cross your fingers that I see Dino this weekend!

Dino girl encounter 2

Meeting people while you're drunk versus while you're sober can cause way too much awkwardness. Why is this? Because when I'm drunk I have the balls of a mature bull in heat? I think so.

My followers or blog readers know at this point about Dino girl and our one night of sloppy drunken passion. Of course I use these words to create a certain vision of the incident for you to capture the way this happened in a way that it didn't exactly happen. But I like to put it that way.

Here I am in the UC and Dino girl has passed me several times while choosing what she will eat on her lunch break. For some reason this makes me nervous and awkward. Why the hell am I, Vicky, nervous and or awkward around someone I've previously made out with? The answer to this I am not entirely sure, but I have certainly made a new goal for myself, being this: My new weekend missions are to have random encounters with Dino girl and blog about them. One day she will read my blog and realize she is Dino girl and hilarity will ensue.

Tell me what you think inter-frienz! Suggestions on how to achieve funny fuckery are welcome.

Side note: the fact this sounds like a hilarious idea and a whole dory load of fun, is one reason why I am a complete and total without shame asshole.

Side note #2: An Asian boy just passed me wearing the same shirt I was wearing yesterday. tehe.

Life Goals.

So as of late I have been compiling a list of goals in my head and figured I would share them with ALL THOSE MANY MANY PEOPLE who follow my blog. That was a little irony that my one follow Nicole will enjoy.
Things I will do before I die. Actually things I will do before I'm 40 because at that point I'll be wrinkly and have no reason to live:

1. Start partying one night and wake up in the morning very far away from where I started partying. ( This may not sound appealing to most people, but to me it sounds like a hella good story to tell).

2. Get a breathalyser and go drinking setting a goal blood alcohol content to have by the end of the night. Maybe race with someone to this goal level.

3. Fuck Tucker Max.

4. Have Tucker Max publish a story about me.

5. Convince someone that I really want a flux capacitor for Christmas/My birthday etc. and have them go to a lot of places looking for it.

6. Through the grace of some crazy contest or something, win a life time supply of beer.

7. Seeing as I know already that I will be in university for the rest of my life, I would thoroughly enjoy a jacket that read "MUN class of 20??"
8. Get a formal apology from Zak.
9. Get wasted drunk downtown with either Curtis or JBiggs.

Side Note: 1 of my goals were fulfilled this year when I met Ron Jeremy and he signed my tits.

I will add to this as I think of them. I meant to make a list at some point and will gladly share if any of these things happen...also, I intend on all these things happening.

Be nice, for yourself.

Be nice to people. I don't believe in karma. I don't believe in a set of rules to follow. I do believe that respect is something you earn by being fucking nice to people. If you don't have respect you will not be happy. Don't get me wrong, I can be quite the douchebag. I do however, never say no when someone asks for a favor. That is the key to respect and ultimate happiness. Try it, even just for a day and check out the results. I'm not saying go as crazy as they did in the movie "yes man", but for a whole day do everything someone asks you to that isn't ridiculous. Don't tell anyone what you're doing, just help everyone you see that might need help. Open doors for people. Say hello to people you recognize. If you're friend asks you if she can borrow something say yes. If someone asks you for a favor fucking do it. If you appreciate someone, tell them. Smile as much as possible. That's essentially my personal commandments. Not because of right versus wrong, but it will make you happier yourself in the end.

how i feel about fatties

Dear Interwebs,

It's not all about personality. People see a lot more than personality. Depending on what you look like you have to work a lot harder on your personality. I'll try to explain this is further detail.

Picture a guy or girl with an amazing body. Everyone has their own idea of the perfect body so just picture yours for a second. Secondly, great face, nice smile. Who gives a fuck if they're overly interesting? Like yes the more qualities you have to offer, the better, but c'mon, everything they say is interesting or halarious when they're smoking hot.

Side Note: Now don't get me wrong, I am a little shallow, but not totally shallow. As well, my idea of sexy isn't exactly the standard sexy. I'm more shallow when it comes to women because all I want is huge tits and a nice ass or a dinosaur costume perhaps). However, when it comes to men I like an alternative style.

Now, picture a big fattie. An ugly fattie too. Yeah picture that. Picture this person as someone you would kill yourself if you rolled over in the morning and seen them lying next to you. This person better have a damn good personality, they better be intelligent, witty, charismatic, interesting and knowledgeable about music or something. Sometimes a fattie can be attractive with all these qualities.

Now don't read this and think I'm a total bitch. Well, you can think what you want, I still know I'm awesome. However, what you lack in some areas you have to make up for in other areas or you will just fail life.

In conclusion ( a god awful way to conclude I know) if you are a fattie, start not being a fattie or start making sure you're awesome. If you have a load of good qualities and you're attractive, respond to this blog and maybe we can meet up sometime.

Love Vicky.

fucking ugly orange crocks part 2

Some blanks have been filled in for me about last night after a nice boy I had no idea I ever met decided to talk to me about 'having a good time' last night. The good time was complete sarcasm because apparently he was a nice boy who found me on the floor of the bathroom where I was claiming to be taking a nap and brought me to a couch where I continued the night. I thought I got to that couch on my own, apparently not. Thank you nice strange man! Also my friend who I will refer to in my blogs as Diego, (GO DIEGO GO!) told me that upon texting me to locate me, I responded, just not in English. I will post any further information I obtain.

fucking ugly orange crocks

I woke up at 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning. Generally I get up around two and struggle to do so. I got a good night's rest last night. WTF?! My night went something like this.

9:00 pour up a drink and begin sipping

9:30 go to the mini mart down the street with my dear friend zak. I was not drinking at this point.

9:45 play video games with the gang, for the purpose of this blog assume that I am the video game master and always gets first place in super smash brothers brawl. Also Button mashing for the win. However, during this point in time very little alcohol consumption took place.

10:00 I begin to trash talk Davis, he was mentioned in an earlier blog and basically I told him everything I said in my blog previously. I did in fact make fun of those fucking ugly crocks as well.

10:00+ alcohol consumption increases dramatically.

10:15 I'm getting high fives for the things I said to Davis, no one really like him. Also somewhere in this point in time I brought my friends cody adam and my newest friend dan back to my apartment for a foursome. Just kidding. We went back to get some pop or something lame.

10:30 Somehow I am loaded.

Just to mention a series of things that made me uncomfortable that night: the presence of Davis who I really hate. The presence of a guy who tried to hook up with me about of month ago who was there with his girlfriend. Me trying to play match maker for my friend somehow turned into a guy hitting on me. Thus my alcohol consumption increased dramatically.

11:00 I am making a total asshole of myself ( not that I particularly care ) and I'm probably intimidating people by now.

Sometimes I get to this perfect drunk where I'm social, where drinking makes me easier to talk to. Sometimes I get FuckingVickyWasted, last night would be a prime example.

11:30 I'm trowing up in the bathroom of Gilbert court 110.

12:00 I'm an a couch sleeping.

2:00 There's videos of how attractive I am when I sleep on facebook.

7:00 I wake up still completely drunk, fumble around and leave the gilbert apartments and find my way home to Cartier.

11:00 I wake up, still feeling less than sober.

I do tend to get very intoxicated, but waking up drunk has not been an issue for me. It's 12:10 and things are still spinning. If someone drugged me that's totally not nice because I'm the one who always politely asks for my drinks to be protected from roofies. All the same, I probably wasn't drugged as I was only surrounded by nice boys and girls.

Tonight has to be a little less drunk ( can't believe I said that ) a little louder, a little crazier, a littler more fuckery must happen because I need something to write about god damnit.

Love Vicky.

Crazy Bitches

Sometimes girls are fucking crazy. There is no explanation behind this really. However, there are three degrees of crazy.

Sometimes you will just find yourself talking to a nice young lady quite normally, perhaps about a funny youtube video that has you cracking up laughing and one would assume all is well in your female bonding. Less than an hour later you will hear light sobbing coming from her room and when you inquire about what's wrong, you'll get some crazy ass answer like "just leave me alone!" as if you were the cause of her pain and trouble or she just doesn't know what wrong. I know, girls have hormones and sometimes they are just jumping around going crazy or whatever hormones do - but come on you crazy bitches, what the fuck is up with crying and not having a god damn clue why?

Next we have the hypocrite. This is when something happens to you like, lets say you have a test the next day and you're lady room mates have a friend over. It's cool, we're laid back and can plug in our ear phones and deal with the slight distraction. However, next week when you're listening to some music a little too loudly you're lady friend almost dies of a ruptured hernia ( if that's possible) because she has so much homework to do and you're being too god damn disrespectful. It's all good, we know they're crazy, ignore and move on.

Third we have the lose your shit crazy. When for no good reason everything you do is wrong and inconsiderate. You don't have time to wash the dishes in the morning so they believe you don't have the right to eat your own food in your own house and must get take out until you find the time to do your dishes. You're talking on the phone to your friend quietly and you are accused of running around the house screaming. You go for a smoke and suddenly you need an intervention. This type of crazy isn't even scheduled by the time of the month as most would believe.

My final thoughts on this issue, seeing as all girls can't be exterminated because the population would diminish, and I'm a girl who happens to be awesome, is this: Girls are fucking nuts, the sooner you realize this the quicker you can achieve happiness.

I think I might switch my major to English.

The writing help center at MUN has a great tactic to make young females good writers. By hiring good looking young men to run the center I know I will certainly be going back.

My essay sucked like the swop.avi girls' prostitution careers after that video was released. I generally don't get very nervous but when I seen the beautiful help center guy I got a little embarrassed about him reading my shitty essay. Nothing is worse than a beautiful guy thinking your dumb (I don't play dumb, because I'm not a dumb bitch).

I warned Mr.BeautifulHelpCenterMan that I wasn't retarded and instead was just a science student. We laughed about this, he made a few funny jokes and in the end actually complimented my writing (score! he's totally going to be my next ex boyfriend!)

After our session was done, and this amazing man made my essay awesomesaucetastic for me, he asked me to fill out a comment card. Most excellent. Some last words so that I can make a final impression. I won't mention what I wrote on the comment card because I like to leave some things to the imagination. This way you can imagine something way cooler and more scandalas than what I actually wrote.

I know this story isn't that special, and I will make sure this weekend will be crazier so I have something to write about. But I am but a school girl, and cute english majors are all I really need for complete happiness.

smile and get laid

I don't understand why more people aren't happy. There is nothing appealing to me about walking up to somebody who is looking all grumpy and solitary (probably in a party scene) and attempt conversation. The people who are smiling and making conversations and being overall charismatic are the people who people want to talk to. In another words, being happy and comfortable in your environment is a natural turn on.

Recently, being the people watcher that I am, I have been observing a lot more of this in the social network. Going to a party and watching the ladies in their provocative clothes, using as much body language as possible while talking to the boys to seem as sexy and seductive as they can, you will notice that their body is not the only key to seduction. The men, while trying to impress a lady does either of two things: A) he focuses all his attention on her like she is the only thing in the room that matters, which I call the lost puppy approach because he is basically bagging for someone to take him home or B) try to impress the girls by showing off his people skills with the guys. A girls absolutely finds it attractive when a guy is the life of a party, accepted by all the others guys, I call this method the alpha male due to the unanimous approval by the other males in the room. Side note: Alpha male can also be achieved by being the party hottie, but that's for a different blog at a different time.

Now, the point trying to excape from that gaggle of words is this: when guys and girls are doing their thing, the successful ones do it with a smile. Thus happy people are awesome people.

Some douchebag at a party wearing shorts and crocks at the end of October (I'm sorry I really hate that guy) who sits by himself with a look on his face saying "I'm better than everyone here because Ive been in MUN for 7 years and still haven't declared a major despite being able to have a masters by now" (okay I need to stop, I could write a whole blog on that fuckhole) does not come off as attractive. No one likes a no-it-all. But everyone likes the nice guy. Fuck that, not everyone likes the nice guy. Everyone likes the guy who's cracking the jokes, always has something interesting to say and is doing so with a smile.

As much as I would like to do a character comparison, it's a little risky because despite the fact that I know, no one currently reads any of this shit, it is possible that at some point someone will and not appreciate being mentioned in an online... okay I don't really care about people and am just a little lazy, so I'll sum it up: Davis would be a lot more attractive if he wasn't a piece of shit, and to make a comparison, pretty much every other guy is a cutie because they don't suck. Also, Davis sucks.

It's amazing how much a little rage can take someone off topic. Major editing in the future.

Okay I'll fix this after because I'm not sure what happened to the flow, I'm generally more coherent, but I'll leave you with a thought: the last time you went to a party and took a guy/girl home, how much did you smile at them? How much did they smile at you? Was there some douche bag asshole at the party in orange crocks who you wouldn't imagine taking home in a million years? Happy people are awesome people. Smile and get laid.

Murder Murder Most Foul

This is essentially why all boys should die (the beginning of the fight seemed unnecessary to include, in my defense I was not being a crazy bitch and did in fact have ample reason to be pissed off):

vicky says:

oh my fucking god. i can't talk to you.

Jake says:

I can't talk to you either. You're mad about nothing, and it's very frustrating

vicky says:

you're frustrated?!

Jake says:

A little.

Not very much though. Mostly just because I have to type things

vicky says:

go to bed. im done talking to you.

Jake says:

Ok. Good night

Can I go to bed now, or are you gonna send me a pissed off text in 5 minutes?

vicky says:

fuck off

go to bed

Jake says:

I'll stick around for a minute. You're gonna say something else. I can sense it.

vicky says:

well im sorry, you're wrong. I'm very frustrated and need you to fuck off so i can try to calm down and finish my god damn homework. You have me to the point where i probably wont be able to do anything else tonight. thanks asshole.

Jake says:

Oh my, Vicky.

I find this way funnier than I should, and for that I am very sorry

vicky says:

oh.my.fuck. get out of my life.

Jake says:

k. I love you baby

vicky says:

FUCK OFF

Jake says:

You too. Good night

vicky says:

....you make me laugh. but i still hate you.

Jake says:

I'm sorry baby. You've been mad at me like this for retarded reasons so many times in the last 2 and a half years, and when I take it seriously, it always makes it worse. Tomorrow everything will be cool. You're probably just gassy

vicky says:

okay i love you again. go to bed.

Jake says:

Sweet. I thought I was gonna regret that gassy thing. Not for long though, 'cause it made me lawl

Good night babyface

vicky says:

good night

Someone feel free to explain to me how the hell I lost that argument. I was making a totally logical point and lost before I even knew what was happening. My understanding now is that men clearly have super human brain washing abilities. It's also the only explanation to how I lost that fight and why such an unattractive gender gets so much pussy. (I like boys, but think about it; they're hairy, fart producing beings... no one likes hairy farts... BRAINWASHING!

blood/alcohol content - blood = < blood/alcohol content.

Because there is absolutely nothing I would like to do less than writing an English essay, I've decided to begin blogging since I've been meaning to do so for a while. Not that I'm one of those journal-writing-I'm-deep-because-I-have-so-much-to-say type people, but because I'm an asshole. I do things for the sole reason that I think it might be hilarious on a day to day basis and get excessively drunk the rest of the time. Getting excessively drunk only calls for a few notable stories in the course of a life, however, Vicky drunk is a total different situation.

I'll begin by explaining what Vicky drunk is. Once being a four foot eleven (not an exaggeration in the slightest) young female who can get messy fucking drunk from sniffing a beer cap, I began to drink more in a couple months in university than I have throughout the course of the last year. Once getting drunk from a couple beers and now growing an alcohol tolerance thus not achieving the same affect, a crazy little bitch such as myself begins to explore new options to achieve optimum "I don't plan on remembering you in the morning" results.

Step one in achieving such results is obvious; drink more. Side note: I'm a lover of whiskey and not much else. So Weisers or Jack daniel's often being my drink of choice, I would once drink approximatley half a flask and be intoxicated. Now I drink about twice this amount, often mooching more if possible.

Step two is also an obvious step and is directly related to step one; drink quicker. Drink what you have in shot form or mixed very strongly (no pussy drinks aloud). I'm talking one part whiskey to one part diet coke. Side note: carbonated beverages used as mix factually will make you more drunk, moreover, diet carbonated beverages will make you even more drunk. Since I consider the internets the most reliable source of all information, I believe this to be fact and that is why you will always see me mixing with diet coke.

Step three is important to the amount of fun you will have. Eat the right food. Eating a whole lot of carbohydrates such as pizza will make you really full meaning you can't drink as much also, it will take longer for the alcohol to get into your blood stream. Now I'm sure everyone can relate to the following: you eat a huge feed of McFuckingDonald's you just sit back and unbutton your pants a little while you realize there must be a God for such a beautiful thing to exist, then BAM you burp and you're freakin' hungry again. Well that's what makes McDonald's the ultimate pre-drinking food. There's food in your body to ensure that you won't puke while pounding back your shots (straight out of the bottle if you're a classy bastard such as myself), yet you won't be too full to drink in excess.

Step hour is something I've only tried once, Friday past, which I will mention later. This one will ensure Vicky level intoxication, but I do by no means encourage such behavior. Now don't get me wrong, I am a regular blood donor and have been for a while now, but considering after giving blood you can't lift anything for 8 hours and can't even have an effing cigarette, heavily drinking post draining a pint of blood from my body might seem dangerous. To me? I can only express my thoughts with my favorite phrase "HECK YES!" This was an incredible idea in my mind. The synapses started firing in my brain when I was thinking about how smashed I was going to get that night and a guy (kind of cute FYI) gave me a piece of paper stating I could give blood in the university center right then and there. Being the mathematical genius that I am I quickly formulated that normal blood/alcohol level - blood = <>

That completes my step by step instructions to how to get VickyFuckingWasted, however now I feel the need to tell the story of when I compiled all these steps in one night, like I said, Friday past.

So at a party in my residence, pounding back said shots, I very quickly became very intoxicated as expected. Now if you know me, you know me because we met at a party somewhere while I was hammered and you quickly realized 'hey this girl goes to a lot of parties and gets really hammered'. This night was not pumping at Gilbert court, and I wasn't very impressed, so when Zak suggested "hey lets go to a party at Cabot" (another residence court), without hesitation I drunkenly slurred my favorite phrase "HECK YES!" So I wonder over to said apartment building with a few friends and immediately felt out of place. Yes. Drunk Vicky felt out of place. Soon national anthems began to be sang if I remember correctly, and after clicking classes with a couple friends I began to feel a little more comfortable. I'm sure by the end of the night, a few more people knew who I was.

So nothing ends that easily. My stories are never "Man I got so wasted. The end". No. I made out with a fucking dinosaur. Okay okay, not a real dinosaur. But a fairly attractive girl who likes girls wearing a dinosaur costume is nothing to complain about. (For the record, if I ever make out with a real dinosaur I will totally blog about it). So said girl is totally attractive, totally interested, I'm totally drunk. HECK YES! It wasn't actually quite like that, but for the sake of my story I would like you all to have the assumption it was.

Shortly after said attractive dinosaur and I made out, she found another girl (perhaps more reptilian thus more her style) to make out with. That's cool, I wasn't planning on marrying her anyway. And I get approached by a friend, quickly learning it was his ex-girlfriend, and totally not my territory to be marking.

This is the part where I black out. Anyone with details please fill in these blanks.

Last memories are that of going for a smoke with a nice young man who I remembered the next day by going through texts. (Sadly, sometimes this is how you have to fill in those blanks). I'm sure he was nice, but we met again the next night while I was again intoxicated. He doesn't like me now. Again anyone, please fill in these blanks so life makes more sense. I will admit, I am an asshole and I'm sure this charming young man has reason to dislike me.

I made out with a dinosaur. The end.