I'll begin by explaining what Vicky drunk is. Once being a four foot eleven (not an exaggeration in the slightest) young female who can get messy fucking drunk from sniffing a beer cap, I began to drink more in a couple months in university than I have throughout the course of the last year. Once getting drunk from a couple beers and now growing an alcohol tolerance thus not achieving the same affect, a crazy little bitch such as myself begins to explore new options to achieve optimum "I don't plan on remembering you in the morning" results.
Step one in achieving such results is obvious; drink more. Side note: I'm a lover of whiskey and not much else. So Weisers or Jack daniel's often being my drink of choice, I would once drink approximatley half a flask and be intoxicated. Now I drink about twice this amount, often mooching more if possible.
Step two is also an obvious step and is directly related to step one; drink quicker. Drink what you have in shot form or mixed very strongly (no pussy drinks aloud). I'm talking one part whiskey to one part diet coke. Side note: carbonated beverages used as mix factually will make you more drunk, moreover, diet carbonated beverages will make you even more drunk. Since I consider the internets the most reliable source of all information, I believe this to be fact and that is why you will always see me mixing with diet coke.
Step three is important to the amount of fun you will have. Eat the right food. Eating a whole lot of carbohydrates such as pizza will make you really full meaning you can't drink as much also, it will take longer for the alcohol to get into your blood stream. Now I'm sure everyone can relate to the following: you eat a huge feed of McFuckingDonald's you just sit back and unbutton your pants a little while you realize there must be a God for such a beautiful thing to exist, then BAM you burp and you're freakin' hungry again. Well that's what makes McDonald's the ultimate pre-drinking food. There's food in your body to ensure that you won't puke while pounding back your shots (straight out of the bottle if you're a classy bastard such as myself), yet you won't be too full to drink in excess.
Step hour is something I've only tried once, Friday past, which I will mention later. This one will ensure Vicky level intoxication, but I do by no means encourage such behavior. Now don't get me wrong, I am a regular blood donor and have been for a while now, but considering after giving blood you can't lift anything for 8 hours and can't even have an effing cigarette, heavily drinking post draining a pint of blood from my body might seem dangerous. To me? I can only express my thoughts with my favorite phrase "HECK YES!" This was an incredible idea in my mind. The synapses started firing in my brain when I was thinking about how smashed I was going to get that night and a guy (kind of cute FYI) gave me a piece of paper stating I could give blood in the university center right then and there. Being the mathematical genius that I am I quickly formulated that normal blood/alcohol level - blood = <>
That completes my step by step instructions to how to get VickyFuckingWasted, however now I feel the need to tell the story of when I compiled all these steps in one night, like I said, Friday past.
So at a party in my residence, pounding back said shots, I very quickly became very intoxicated as expected. Now if you know me, you know me because we met at a party somewhere while I was hammered and you quickly realized 'hey this girl goes to a lot of parties and gets really hammered'. This night was not pumping at Gilbert court, and I wasn't very impressed, so when Zak suggested "hey lets go to a party at Cabot" (another residence court), without hesitation I drunkenly slurred my favorite phrase "HECK YES!" So I wonder over to said apartment building with a few friends and immediately felt out of place. Yes. Drunk Vicky felt out of place. Soon national anthems began to be sang if I remember correctly, and after clicking classes with a couple friends I began to feel a little more comfortable. I'm sure by the end of the night, a few more people knew who I was.
So nothing ends that easily. My stories are never "Man I got so wasted. The end". No. I made out with a fucking dinosaur. Okay okay, not a real dinosaur. But a fairly attractive girl who likes girls wearing a dinosaur costume is nothing to complain about. (For the record, if I ever make out with a real dinosaur I will totally blog about it). So said girl is totally attractive, totally interested, I'm totally drunk. HECK YES! It wasn't actually quite like that, but for the sake of my story I would like you all to have the assumption it was.
Shortly after said attractive dinosaur and I made out, she found another girl (perhaps more reptilian thus more her style) to make out with. That's cool, I wasn't planning on marrying her anyway. And I get approached by a friend, quickly learning it was his ex-girlfriend, and totally not my territory to be marking.
This is the part where I black out. Anyone with details please fill in these blanks.
Last memories are that of going for a smoke with a nice young man who I remembered the next day by going through texts. (Sadly, sometimes this is how you have to fill in those blanks). I'm sure he was nice, but we met again the next night while I was again intoxicated. He doesn't like me now. Again anyone, please fill in these blanks so life makes more sense. I will admit, I am an asshole and I'm sure this charming young man has reason to dislike me.
I made out with a dinosaur. The end.
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